'Too many problems, oh why am I here?'

Well here is Fix List 1.0. I should print it out and stick it next to my inspirational 'Hang in there baby' cat poster.

Problem: The keys to open the backbox and coin door are M.I.A.

So here's the reason I couldn't clean inside the machine. I know, I know, it’s pure stupidity to take on a machine without seeing ‘under the hood’. And even more foolish to relocate it into the house when it could be full of spiders, rodents, marsupials and chupacabras. I know that... now. 

Solution: The plate surrounding the lock in the backbox is held on with two Torx screws. 

These screws look like part of a Klingon Meccano set.

I don’t have the correct shape in my toolkit, so I’ll get one that fits. It’s either that or drill out the lock. It looks like I’ll have no choice but to do that to the coin door one. Then I’ll need a couple of replacement locks.

Problem: Many lights out. 

Solution: Hopefully just bulbs blown. Even if they had all been working, I would have still replaced them with LEDs. Many places sell a complete kit, so that is what I will get. The purists dislike them, but they are bright and will outlive me and the machine itself. No need for constant replacing globes again.

Problem: The perspex plastic display cover that sits over the speakers and DMD is cloudy.

Solution: Just a lot of dust built up, I’m hoping.

Problem: Lines missing on the dot matrix display.

Solution: Worse case scenario: the display board is dying, but more likely a loose connection, as I'm sure it worked fine before I moved the machine. Whatever the cause,  I’m aiming to replace it with a sparkling new ColorDMD. 

Update: Tapping on the front of the display brings the lines back again. I'm definitely thinking a loose wire. 

Good news that the dot matrix display now seems to be displaying all dots and matrixes.
Bad news that the plastic cover has more fog than an Nintendo 64 game.

Problem: The sound is very quiet. The subwoofer isn't working at all.

Solution: The volume might be at a low setting or perhaps the speakers are old and knackered. When I can get into the machine, I'll check the levels. Whatever the outcome, I’m going to get new, more powerful replacement speakers.

Problem: The balls are tarnished with rust.

Solution: Nobody likes their balls to be rough and speckled – they don't look very good and can damage the playfield. I could try and treat them with rust remedy and buff them shiny, but to be honest, they are cheap to buy so I'll get a complete replacement set.

Rusty Balls is my favourite blues singer.

Problem: Machine reverts back to factory settings each time it is turned on.

Solution: Three AA batteries are used to save the settings and high scores. These are certainly dead, I’m just hoping they haven’t leaked and damaged any boards. I'll check when I can get into the backbox.

Problem: The playfield and flipper rubbers have perished and cracked. 

Solution: I’ll need to buy a full kit for both and replace them. 

Problem: The left flipper button is a lot more stiff to press than the right one. 

Solution: No idea what the problem is at this stage, but I'd like to fix it as it is awkward and uncomfortable whilst playing. 

Problem: Start button is sticky, intermittently works and has no flashing light.

'Broken Start light. Five years in the cubes, punk!'

Solution: Could be rust in the fitting, broken plastic or just gunk build up. I will investigate. Very cheap to get a whole new button and the LED kit comes with ones for the buttons.

Problem: The glass slides up and down a wee bit. 

Solution: the plastic lip that holds it at the top is cracked, so that will be replaced, the lockdown bar at the bottom has a bit of play in it moving up and down. I'm guessing it has teeth to hold it locked in place and that these are bent. I’m hoping if I bend them straight, it will clamp down on the glass better and hold it in place.

Problem: The glass has quite a few scratches.

Solution: Hardly noticeable, but if I can find a locally sourced replacement or a glass cutter that can knock me up a piece to size, I’ll price it up.

Problem: The artwork on both sides and the front of the cabinet is very faded. This happens a lot to pinball machines. Years of sitting by a window in the sun doesn’t do them any favours. Oddly, the backbox sides, whilst a bit scuffed are still bright and colourful.

Artwork fade comparison. The backbox must have been wearing SPF 60.    

Solution: Complete reproduction decal sets are available but they are expensive and to apply them properly is a herculean task. The machine needs completely dissembling with the old graphics sanded off, holes filled, the cabinet repainted, the decals applied without damage and air bubbles and then finally all of the electrical gubbins put back in. I just can’t face doing that I’m afraid. I might try and touch up the artwork with spray paint and marker pens, but I think it is just something I’ll have to live with. I don’t want the machine to look pristine and new anyway, I prefer that it looks like its lived a good busy life, hence why I’m going to keep a few nicks and scratches.

Plenty to keep me busy, time to give the internet and my bank account a sound thrashing.

Cosplaying as Barry Scott

I put an all '80s playlist on, rolled up my sleeves and became a reluctant cleaning machine. I spent a good half an hour scrubbing away eight years of garage dirt in my own movie montage. Def Leppard's 'Run Riot' was a definite highlight.

What? I'm from Sheffield, you have to like The 'Lepp – it's the law.
Failure to comply means th'coppers come round 'n nick yer Hendo's. 

I'm was happy with the result. I didn't do the inside of the machine at this stage because... well, I'll explain that very soon.

Then after a lot of pushing, pulling and indoor language, the 140kg beast was in the house! No, not in the the living room (Apparently that's not an appropriate place for it!). The options I was given by the boss was that it was either to live in the garage or in my study. The former was certainly a lot easier, but it's rather dirty and dusty in there and would certainly get rather cramped what with all of the garden paraphernalia and of course, the car. Oh and several redback spiders live in there too. So I decided it was worth the time, effort and backache to get it into the safe, warm and arachnid-free utopia of my study. I refuse to call it a 'man-cave' as I am not a complete arsehole.

Of course, I'll not get any useful work done at all now...

Fun fact: the front and rear legs look the same, but are in fact very slightly different in design.
Enough to completely mess up the stability if got wrong. Which I did.
I really wish I'd tagged them whilst I removed them to get the machine into the car.

'Transportation is a precise business.'

The machine was in much better condition than the Baywatch. Nothing was missing, the playfield was dirty but looked in immaculate condition underneath the grime and joy of joy, after flicking the switch, the Judge woke up into life! It had some problems, but despite sitting in a dirty garage for just short of a decade in hibernation, Dredd was very much still alive. Here was my future project.

My wife had sort of, kind of, tentatively given me the green light to get a machine at some point. I would remind her and apologise when I got home! As for the money, he had no idea what it was worth (And I didn’t either), however he was starting a new business and for my sins, I’m a graphic designer by trade, so I agreed to create him a logo, brochure and various other stuff for his new venture in exchange. I have worked for money, food, booze and sex. Well, maybe not that last one, but now I would be working for a old, slightly broken pinball machine.

My car is a Ford Falcon station wagon. A preposterous example of Aussie automotive excess that I acquired due to some friends going back to the UK and needing to sell their car. We were in the market for a second vehicle and it was beneficial for us and them to take it off their hands for a song. Outside of garden centre trips and dog walks, the vacuous space within this hearse of a vehicle is completely superfluous to requirement. Today however, was the white whale's day to shine and earn its keep. Needless to say Moby's boot swallowed The Judge with no problems whatsoever. 

‘Hey mate, you like pinball machines don’t you?’

I received a call from a client out of the blue one morning. His brother-in-law owned a lock-up that was full of junk that he had accumulated over several decades of scavenging auctions, garage sales and company liquidations. He sounded like the star of an episode of Storage Wars or American Pickers yet to be made. 

One day he had, as alcoholics call it, ‘a moment of clarity’. He decided that he really didn't need to provide a home for all of this stuff and a priceless Stradivarius or mint copy of Action Comics #1 was extremely unlikely to be amongst it. It was time to clear out, declutter and move on.

At some point, he had bought a job-lot of furniture and accessories from a closed down pub. Part of this acquisition was a couple of old pinball machines. 

I’ve been playing the silver ball for over twenty years since spending far too much of my student money on Addams Family, Terminator 2 and Star Wars machines in Shipley’s Amusements in Stafford whilst at University back in 1994. Even to this day, I always peer into arcades, bars, diners, takeaways and lobbies of cinemas and bowling alleys on my travels looking for strobing lights. They can creep up in the strangest of places – at one point my local IKEA had two in its cafe.  

For a glorious moment in time visiting the voluminous semi-disposable Swedish furniture warehouse
became a lot more tolerable. Sadly, they are now gone.  

The large shed was pretty much like a shabby remake of the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Boxes piled from floor to ceiling, a cluster of moth-eaten furniture in various states of repair, a couple of unloved old cars under tarpaulins and… was that a sign from the entrance to a McDonalds?

In the corner, under swathes of curtains and fusty books there were two shapes that were unmistakably pinball machines – the red cross on the map. Oh, and here’s a helpful hint. If you are planning to document an event in the future, make sure your phone has some power in it and will let you use the camera. I’m an idiot, you’ll have to use your imagination I’m afraid. I’m so sorry.

Old amusement machines from bars don't tend to be in pristine condition. They will have suffered a torrent of abuse. They will have been punched and kicked, vandalised, had drinks spilt on them and will probably not have been maintained properly or worse, had bodged fixes done to them to keep them running in some form and keep earning money. Plus these machines had spend the last eight or so years laying dormant in a dank, dirty shed. They are built to be tough, made to survive in hostile environments, designed to carry on working whilst being owned by savages. However, they aren't completely indestructible. I wasn't building up my hopes.

With some minor excavation, the first one was revealed to be Baywatch. Yes you read that right, there exists in our universe a machine made about the flimsy-plotted Playboy Playmate populated TV show (https://pinside.com/pinball/archive/baywatch). In the nineties, pinball manufacturers often tried to predict which licence would be the 'next big thing' and made a table based on that property. As the gestation design and build period of a machine runs to many months, by the time they find out if the gamble had been successful or not, it was too late either way. Sometimes the decision paid off like with Indiana Jones and Star Trek: The Next Generation, other times it went wrong. There is, after all, a Johnny Mnemonic machine, which whilst being a good game to play, I imagine even Keanu himself has forgotten about the film. Another reason for Baywatch's presence could be that in Germany pinball was, and still is, extremely popular and well, the acclaim that David Hasselhoff had there is infamous.

The machine was made by SEGA in 1995 and with Pamela Anderson large on the back box art, swimsuit-clad ladies on the sides and with custom speech by The Hoff himself on the soundtrack, it has become a bit of an ironic cult classic. 

However, SEGA games are not particularly held in high regard by serious pinball snobs. They are flashy, loud, gimmicky and as shallow as a puddle, but I have a soft spot for them. They are great games for a few plays, but there’s a good chance the novelty would wear off very quickly. Spare parts for them can also be quite hard to find and expensive to buy. 

This one had seen much better days. It was dead as a doornail on flicking the power switch, the play field was worn down to the wood in a couple of places, a lot of the metal playfield parts were rusty and on the cabinet side art, a drunken Banksy wannabe had carved, inevitably, a drawing of a cock and balls. It was more work than I wanted to do as my first project. Let’s see what this other one is…

A swish of an avocado green curtain covering the back box revealed a giant golden eagle sitting on top and a familiar chin and scowl on the side art. It was a Judge Dredd, now we are getting somewhere!

The Judge's backbox in all of its glory after a bloody good clean. How on earth the flimsy plastic eagle has survived is a miracle.